In Memory of Baby Ya'cad

Ya'cad and Ma-lak Smith

For any parent who's ever lost a child, my heart goes out to you, and I can only pray that God has blessed you and surrounded you with love and comfort in the form of friends, family, and His over-whelming presence.

Rarely a day goes by that I don't think of our little one the we lost over 6 1/2 years ago, but there actually ARE some of those days that have passed before I know it, and only later realize (WITHOUT guilt, thank you, Jesus!!) that 24 hours had passed and I wasn't taken back to that painful time. So I smile with joy and gratitude for the healing that has taken place for that to even occur...

One of the hardest things for me in the healing process was conquering that fear of "What if people forget that he existed?" For months, it seemed a dishonor to his memory to not speak of him every time I THOUGHT of him - like I was denying his very existence if I didn't acknowledge aloud that he WAS. All a normal part of the process, I'm sure, but it was a hard thing to let go of - that need to have someone identify with me if we had shared a similar experience or loss. The worst was when I met someone who had twins, or mentioned twins, or anything twin-related - I just couldn't help but think, "I used to have that...." and then had to work it into the conversation somehow that I had lost a son.

I was at a car dealership a few weeks ago taking my car in for a check up. I went in to pay afterward and the guy who drove my car into the work area stopped me, and out of the blue clear sky, he asked me, "Hey, do you have twins?" I felt like my breath had literally just been smacked out of me and for a moment I just froze. My first instinct was to scream, "Yes!!" But I said, "No." Because that was the truth. I DIDN'T have twins, anymore. As soon as I said no, my heart started to ache and I felt the most horrible GUILT!!!!

The man continued on. "Because I saw all those car seats in your car, and your car looks just like ours! We have twins, too!" Again, I said, "No," and died inside a little bit. I hadn't felt pain like this in awhile! Thought I was way past all this, but all of a sudden I was back in that ugly place.

The man and I chatted a few minutes about our children, and then, I just couldn't stop myself. I just had to say it. "You know, we used to have twins, but we lost one." There. It was out, and I felt soooo much better!

Until I looked at his face and saw how uncomfortable he was. "Oh, I'm sorry." he said to the complete stranger who unnecessarily shared something very intimate with him.

I immediately changed the subject, thanking him for his help with my car, and wished him a good day. I turned to walk to my car, mad at myself. "Why did I have to go and mention that!??" He didn't need to know that! All I did was make him uncomfortable...." He wasn't even someone who knew me. He hadn't even KNOWN my son existed, so he didn't fall into the category of hypothetical people who might FORGET he existed. So was all that for his benefit, or mine? Did I have to say something as a reminder to ME that he had lived, because for a moment I'd forgotten??

Well, God is so merciful. He gently nudges us when we feel fragile, yet are still in need of a tender reminder. "My child, YOU know he existed, and you'll see him again. Just hold him in your heart and be at peace. Your night sorrow has turned to morning joy a long time ago!"

sigh....

And so it is. Yes, we had another beautiful son once, and he was taken from us. And then God in His extravagant love healed our broken hearts, and even saw fit to make us parents again three more times! How very blessed we are!

Every birthday that we celebrate with Ma-lak, I always wonder, "What if Ya'cad were still here, too?" Well, maybe I wouldn't know the extent and depth of God's love for us that we know now, how He extraordinarily covers us with his grace and mercy and gives us HIS strength when we have none of our own. We wouldn't know that it IS possible to get through to the other side of something so unimaginable, and still feel joy when you get there. Someone said to me once that losing a child is something you never get OVER till you reach heaven, but you can get THROUGH it on earth - only by the grace of God.

Thank you God, for your healing that is so complete and so finite! We are forever grateful for the blessing you gave us in allowing us to have Ya'cad, and we will always celebrate the anniversary of his birth, and that he WAS!!!